Radiation to come

I haven't kept you in the dark so far and hesitate to now with all the questions I'm getting.

So you all read my latest scan results, but if you're like us, you're not sure exactly what that meant. Eric and I visited with my oncologist who said, essentially, my brain is racing against my body. If I do no more treatment of any kind, I'm looking at weeks of life. If I do whole brain radiation successfully, he hopes I'll be around in three months. When we met the radiation oncologists, they were more optimistic in saying that if the body remained stable with successful radiation, we're looking more at six months of life. According to them, chemotherapy would be futile, so they would turn me over to hospice care after that.

The ugly truth is that the tumors are quickly growing in the brain. Because of the skull, there's no place for the brain to shift except to herniate down the spinal canal--painful and fatal. So...brain radiation starts tomorrow, every day for ten days, in hopes that if any tumors advance quicker, they'll be in the body rather than brain.

Such news is overwhelming, but our family has been blessed with a peace and understanding that I imagine is reserved for families in such circumstances -- certainly feelings that I didn't have until a couple months ago. (And this change of heart and mind is, I think, a miracle in itself because I know that I couldn't feel the way I do without divine intervention.) For the past couple years the kids knew death was a likely outcome from this disease, but given a short guesstimated timeline really hit them. When we talked it over, the kids expressed their sadness, but comfort in knowing families are forever. Their greatest concerns dealt with their care and security. "Who will take care of us? Will Dad get remarried? Will Grandma stay here?" All questions we still don't have sure answers to, but we can guarantee they'll be loved and cared for.

We still have hope and knowledge that, with the Lord, I can be healed. However, it would be foolish of us to not prepare for the alternative since we don't know God's long-term plan for me. Writing letters, making serious decisions, etc...

To end on a positive note, I have an amazing doctor in Davis who has offered encouraging words and help. He asked me how I felt. I said I still feel the same with very little pain. If I still feel good, why would I stop fighting for life? he asked. Good point. He is helping me by increasing my vitamin c infusions quantities and frequency, and whatever else he can. We were confused about what to do, but when the doctor came a callin' with a plan, we jumped on board! Time will tell, but we're along for the ride and doing all we can.